Reluctant Mother

I was a reluctant mother. The idea of motherhood was terrifying. As a child, playing with dolls was a piece of cake – I had complete control over the amount of crying, the timing of bodily excretions and the length of naps, but I knew the reality of motherhood would not provide such luxuries and the joy of motherhood was not modeled for me growing up. All I witnessed was stress, annoyance, burden and at times, avoidance. The question always lingered in the back of my mind – why would anyone want to become a mother?

Now the concept of becoming a wife I could grab a hold of - you know, constant companionship, someone to watch a movie with on a Saturday night, lifelong plans for New Years' Eve, and of course, sex. Obvious benefits! But motherhood? What were the benefits of motherhood? Sleepless nights (and not because of sex), constant interruptions, dirty diapers, incessant crying and demands, and just downright neediness from another human being for at least 18 years. No thank you!

But then the time came in marriage where my husband's desire for a family and my increasing years in age made me have to confront my fear of motherhood head on. How was I going to overcome this? Being the information gatherer that I am, I consumed every book and article written about motherhood and I attended a workshop at local organizations for mothers seeking support. I did practically everything possible to answer my burning questions as to why anyone would want to become mother.

However, after much research, contemplation, discourse and tears, I realized that I just had to grab the bull by the horns and just do it. I had to do it afraid. No depth of reading, meditation, or discourse was ever going to fully alleviate this fear. I just needed to walk in faith that there was a tremendous learning opportunity in becoming a mother. So after months of struggling with infertility, I became pregnant at 38. Throughout the entire pregnancy, I had the gnawing feeling of fear of what life was going to be like upon the arrival of this little one, but most importantly, how was this massive human being going to exit my medium-sized frame?

So finally the day arrived when our little one decided she wanted to enter the world – 3 weeks early. We decided to have a home birth, just to add more pressure on myself, and our little girl arrived in the comfort of our own home at 9:03am. She was tiny and delightful, but unfortunately, I had complications after birth and had to be transported by ambulance to the hospital. I was exhausted, consumed by fear and anxiety and just plain overwhelmed by the culmination of months of worry and uncertainty. In that moment, I fell into shock in the ambulance because of all the blood loss and passed out with my eyes wide open. Everything turned green. My spirit left the space of the ambulance. Time stood still and in that moment, I came face to face with the choice of wanting to stay here on earth and raise my daughter or go to my eternal home. And to my surprise and in spite of all my fears, in my spirit, I let out a resounding, “Yes! I want to be her mom.” It was pronounced; it was definitive; it was declarative: “I want to be Selah Rae's mom!” Suddenly, I came to, in the ER with my baby girl. I chose to be a mommy that day.

And since then, I have also become a mommy to another little girl, Asabella. I am on the other side of my fear of motherhood, although there are still underlying fears with raising children. But now rather than focusing on the fears, I am fully embracing the joys of being a mommy of which I was unaware like:

1. their entire bodies expressing their excitement of seeing me after a nap.

2. having little hands stroke my hair while breastfeeding

3. watching their little faces at their discovery that smacking water makes a splash

4. witnessing their sourpuss faces when they experienced prunes for the first time

5. hearing my husband say, “There she goes,“ with a lilt in his voice

6. and now at the ages of 15 and 12, hearing them say, “Mom, you are my rock.”

I never knew the unimaginable joy that comes with being a mommy. The richness of being a mommy has changed me for the better, has stretched me beyond what I thought I could be stretched and has proven to me that anything I may have feared growing up is worth doing because of the depth of character that can bloom within me and the inconceivable joy on the other side of overcoming my fear. My advice for growing up is face your fears. It is so worth it!