In walked my 5-year-old, towheaded baby girl wearing a Depeche Mode t-shirt, with a Band-Aid stuck to her left shoulder on the outside of her shirt, as I was attempting to beautify the upstairs bathroom cabinets early one morning with floral turquoise knobs. Beautification and organization were and still are my coping mechanisms when life outside of myself is out of control.
So there I was, an extreme introvert, after 13 years of marriage and 8 years of parenting, trying to cope with the disarray caused by being in relationship, not to mention living with other people and their choices by bringing some beauty to the upstairs bathroom to cover up my own anxiety. This style of coping emerged in my childhood when I realized the only real control I had in my life was the orderliness of my bedroom, my schoolwork and my own reactions or lack of reaction to the chaos outside my bedroom in my parent’s home.
With bare feet and sleepy eyes, Asabella entered the bathroom and inquired about what I was doing.
“Mommy is trying to make the bathroom cabinets look pretty!” But not adding the underlying truth behind my task.
Then, she slowly turned her head and observed the strange location of the Band-Aid on the edge of her t-shirt on her left shoulder. The night before we had delicately placed the Band-Aid on her knee where she had discovered a scrape from an unknown source, a normal occurrence in our home. Without missing a beat, she asked perplexingly, “How did this get here?”
With the mention of that question, I repeated it and I immediately burst out laughing - uncontrollably at that. I could not stop! I had no idea from where this laughter was coming, especially considering the heaviness I was experiencing over the past couple of years with all the responsibilities that came with marriage and parenting and the loss of control I was feeling with all these moving parts and people in my life. And now I was experiencing another loss of control with this inexplicable laughter. I whirled around to my bedroom still laughing and my daughter was beginning to worry.
“Mommy, are you ok?”
“Yes, honey! Something just struck me as funny. I’m ok,” with laughter still rolling out of me.
Finally after a few moments I was able to settle down and reflect upon what had just happened. Why was that so funny? Was it the location of the Band-Aid? Was it my child’s tone? Or was it simply the question, “How did this get here?”
Yes, that was it! How did this get here? I realized that this was the question that had been rolling around in my head and out of my mouth almost daily since the inception of my marriage and with the arrival of children!
There is a parking ticket on our car…How did this get here?
There is Chapstick all over our clothes in the dryer…How did this get here?
The loveseat is blocking the doorway…How did this get here?
There is crayon on my walls…How did this get here?
There is a chip in my bowl...How did this get here?
I realized that ever since I agreed to invite people into my daily life - through marriage and parenthood - I had been routinely asking this question. My existence had truly become, “How did this get here?”
I immediately grabbed my phone and texted my married girlfriends and those with kids and asked them if this question seemed familiar to them. “How did this get here?”
My phone chimed throughout the rest of the day with so many scenarios:
There is a dent in my car…
There is stickiness on the floor…
There is melted chocolate on my car mats…
There is a tub toy stuffed in the toilet…
There is gum in the dog’s fur…
There is guinea pig poop on the living room couch…
With the tag question to each, How did this get here?
The list was endless and it was extremely comforting to know that I was not alone in the chaos of living with other people. We had all experienced these moments where we had no control of the outcome of other people’s choices. We had all experienced the messes that come along with being in relationship with others and with my text, we were all able to finally take a pause and see the humor in it all.
I, too, realized that I probably caused members of my own family to also say, “How did this get here?,” as a result of my own behavior.
There is a To-Do list stuck to my mirror...
There is a bunch of laundry on my bed…
There is gray hair in my flattening iron…
There is a vacuum in the middle of my room…
There is yet another succulent in the windowsill…
There is water leaking from the plant on my dresser…
How did all these get here? - ME!
Well, that very evening I went on Etsy to find a woodworking shop that could make a sign for my guest bathroom with the question, “How did this get here?,” as a reminder to myself that I needed to find the humor in the lack of control that I have in living with other human beings. My daughter’s innocent question that day showed me that there was levity in the craziness of being married and raising a family. I needed this shift in perspective in order to survive, and better yet thrive.
I had made a choice 15 years before this moment to intentionally step back into the world of relationships by leaving my choice of living alone and moving in with my dear roommate, Whitney, who gave me the courage and unconditional love to be open to my lifelong roommate and husband, Jason and now my beloved girls.
With this choice of being in relationships, I chose to surrender my ways, my order, and my control and to embrace intimacy - the good, the bad and the ugly and the spilt milk on the floor, but in addition to the spilt milk, there has been incredible love, joy, laughter, support and understanding. In the fog of all the responsibilities, I had forgotten the beauty of all these things. I was focusing on covering up the chaos with beauty when the chaos was and is beautiful in and of itself.
So now my friends walk into my guest bathroom and instead of seeing a sign of inspiration on the wall, they see “How did this get here?”
Upon exiting the bathroom, I generally am asked, “What is up with the sign?”
I am able to share the revelation of that day when my little girl found a Band-Aid on her shoulder and how I was able to shift my perspective on my circumstances. Upon completion of my story, my friends are able to joyfully share their own story of “How did this get here?”
For if we are in relationship with other humans, we all have one!
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