What Have You Done?

On Christmas Eve morning, I observed my husband, Jason, grabbing a bank box from our storage space and heading out the side door, saying that he would be back later. His behavior was peculiar to me and I had a sinking feeling that he was planning on bringing a puppy home for Christmas for our two little girls.

What evidence did I have of my husband bringing home a new puppy for Christmas? Well, back up several weeks to an evening phone call I overheard as I was upstairs getting ready for bed. Jason, in his loud, projecting radio-announcer voice, was talking with a friend in our living room in our open-concept house with a loft open to the first floor. I was minding my own business until I heard our friend on speaker phone ask, “How is the puppy search going?” And with that, I perked up, “What puppy search? We already have a dog!”

I overheard my husband’s reply that as much as he would like to surprise our girls for Christmas with a puppy, he wasn’t having any luck in finding one in time. Well, I was shocked that I was unaware of this search, but yet relieved that he wasn’t having any luck.

The idea of having a puppy was terrifying for me at the time, as I was diagnosed within the year with Rheumatoid Arthritis which was debilitating at times. I was already managing too much with two daughters, ages 4 and 7, a Golden Retriever who needed to be walked daily, by me, by the way, and a kitty, as well as homeschooling my little ones and making every meal from scratch as part of my healing protocol.

So I pondered for days as to how I would act upon this new found information of a potential puppy. Confronting my husband was under tremendous consideration by me, but finally I decided not to burst his bubble and kept my comments to myself and simply let it go, especially since he expressed that he was having no luck in finding a puppy. I would just continue to pray unceasingly that his luck would eventually run out!

However, Christmas Eve morning arrived and there Jason was with a bank box and its sturdy lid, with the ability to keep a puppy contained, heading out the door. Immediately my mind went to, “He is going to get a puppy!” I paced around the living room, as well as texted friends asking advice as to what to do. “He cannot bring home a puppy!” I thought, knowing full well that I would end up being the one who would do all the work to care for that little critter. All the animals in our home had ended up being my responsibility.

So I finally decided to text him, saying, “If you plan on bringing a puppy home today, please don’t!” Then I continued with a long explanation as to why we cannot have a puppy which received no response or if one, it was, “I am focused. I can’t text right now.” That was all the confirmation I needed. He had made up his mind and he was bringing a puppy home. When his mind is made up, there is no going back. He is laser-focused on his decisions. A puppy was on its way home to join our family!

I tried to distract myself the rest of the morning with Christmas preparations and watching the girls. But at 1pm Christmas Eve, Jason walked in the door and gathered the girls in the living room because Santa had brought an early Christmas present and he didn’t have time to wrap it and I muttered to him, “Or consult his wife!”

Jason chuckled at my response and told the girls to wait right there in the living room chairs and that he would be right back. I announced begrudgingly under my breath that I was leaving him. He continued to chuckle, oblivious to my negative responses, headed to our Ford truck and proceeded to gingerly pull out a bank box. He opened the door with said bank box in hand and asked the girls who would like to open it. Selah, my oldest, graciously handed off the opening to Asabella by saying, “Asa, you open it.”

Asabella rose from the armchair and leaned in towards the bank box. At this point, I knew that there was nothing I could do. If I said anything or stood in the way of this moment, I was going to be the bad guy. I had to surrender all my urges to destroy this moment! Since my urges were so strong, I had to physically remove myself from the living room and I stood and watched from the kitchen, hoping that the physical space that I had put between me and this dreadful situation (at least for me) would be boundary enough to prevent me from destroying the moment.

Asabella took off the lid of the bank box and there sat a tiny black puppy with a white chest and paws and a small white tip on his tail. As he whimpered, the girls gasped and Asa exclaimed, “It’s a real pet.”

Selah responded with a grin all across her face, “Awwww! What is it? A girl or a boy?”

Jason replied, “It’s a boy. His name is Pacey, but we can change his name!”

To which I immediately responded, “Mommy will name him. That is my consolation prize!”

The family already knew that I had a list of 20-30 names for dogs that I had started in my 20s and I figured that it was the least Jason could do for me in this situation and I could at least delight in the dog’s name since I would have to be saying it for the next 10-15 years.

When my daughter heard my request to name the dog and probably felt the tension of the moment between her dad and me, she politely said, “Mommy, you can name him.”

The rest of Christmas Eve was tense to say at the least, not to mention the next two years, with training a Zoomy, Bitey, as we called Howard when he would have his crazy puppy moments.

Howard! That is the name I chose for this little guy who is now my guy and my constant shadow. I needed a name that would make me chuckle each time I said it to help me survive the stress of the early years of raising him. I named him after Jonah’s teddy bear, Howard, in the movie, Sleepless in Seattle that Jonah left at the top of the Empire State Building where Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan finally met for the first time.

The first two years were very trying as I worked with Howard to be a good boy, but now Howard is my best buddy and he has been an especially great companion after I lost my beloved Golden Retriever a year after Howard’s unexpected arrival. Howard and I go to the park everyday and play ball; he sleeps at my feet each night; and he helps me with the dishes!

I held a lot of resentment and anger towards Jason during those first two years of Howard’s life. He traveled a lot and I have countless stories of Howard acting up that I had to manage while Jason was away. I couldn’t believe how Jason didn’t consider me or my feelings about getting a puppy. I was angry.

Then one day, as I was watching an episode of Fixer Upper on HGTV, I witnessed Chip, the husband on the show, surprise his wife, Joanna, with two floppy-earred Bloodhound puppies. By the way, Chip was clever enough, just like Jason, to have the Puppy Reveal right in front of the children who would be his safety buffer from Momma! Joanna's look, I am certain, was very much like mine when Jason walked in the living room with Howard - jaw dropped, stunned and slightly perturbed. Then Joanna responded, “What have you done?”

Yes, “What have you done?” That is exactly how I felt!!

Then the show cuts from the Puppy Reveal to a confessional where Chip said to Joanna all proud with his chest puffed out, “I got those for you, Babe!”

And Joanna graciously replied, “Oh, oh, I knew that’s where your heart was!”

In that moment, I realized that was where Jason’s heart was all along! Obviously, he wanted to surprise the girls with a puppy, but he also knew that animals have always been a part of my life and have brought me great healing. His heart was for me, not against me, although it initially felt like it. Howard’s presence in my life has been incredibly healing. He brings me tremendous joy with his sweet ears that stick straight out like airplane wings ready for take-off. This joy he stirs in me boosts my immune system and he gets me out of bed on my bad days with Rheumatoid Arthritis and he gets me moving and that movement is my medicine.

Jason’s intentions were for me; his heart was for me! Sadly it took me two years to realize his heart, but I am thankful to have finally had the scales removed from my eyes to see just exactly What He Had Done!